there's something that doesn't always come naturally to men.

letting people know us.

not just what we do, what we think, or what we know.

but who we are. what we're experiencing. what matters to us.

because there's a difference between being in someone's life and allowing them into yours.

standing at the forty-yard line

i have a metaphor i often use when working with men and couples.

many men spend much of their lives standing at the forty-yard line.

their partners, friends, and loved ones are standing at the fifty, hoping to meet them there.

and here's what makes this difficult to recognize.

in many ways, we're showing up.

we're working. parenting. managing responsibilities. solving problems. helping people when they need us.

but when it comes to our emotional and psychological lives, we're often standing ten yards back.

waiting to be asked. or pushed. or pulled.

not because nothing is happening inside us, but because we've spent years learning to keep much of that experience to ourselves.

i know this because i spent decades doing it.

i lived largely inside my own head.

i had thoughts, feelings, worries, appreciations, and hopes that rarely made their way into conversations with my wife, friends, or family.

i could talk about what needed to get done or how we might solve a problem.

but sharing what was actually happening inside me?

that was much less familiar.

and here's something i've come to appreciate.

you can love someone deeply and still leave them feeling disconnected from you.

because love that isn't expressed isn't always experienced.

your partner may know you're dependable. your children may know you'll show up. your friends may know you're a good guy.

but do they know what they mean to you?

do they know when you're struggling? what brings you joy? what you're hoping for?

or do they mostly know the version of you that gets things done?

the uncomfortable truth

many of us believe that if something is important enough, we'll talk about it.

but meaningful relationships don't thrive on sharing only what's necessary.

they thrive on the ongoing experience of knowing and being known.

and that requires something many of us weren't taught to do: voluntarily revealing ourselves.

not waiting until someone asks the right question. not sharing only when something goes wrong.

but offering people a window into our inner lives.

sometimes that's as simple as saying:

"i've been feeling overwhelmed lately."

"i really appreciated what you did yesterday."

"i've been thinking about making some changes."

"i've really enjoyed getting to know you."

these aren't grand declarations. they're small acts of transparency that build connection, trust, and intimacy.

and while this matters in romantic relationships, it's especially important in our friendships with other men.

we may have friends we've known for decades. we share experiences, interests, stories, and laughs.

but how well do we actually know one another?

and how well have we allowed ourselves to be known?

this is something i appreciate about men's circles and communities like MenLiving. they create opportunities to practice showing up honestly, allowing ourselves to be seen, and discovering we're not nearly as alone as we imagined.

practice: move ten yards closer

this week, consider where you might be standing at the forty-yard line in one of your important relationships.

ask yourself:

what's something meaningful happening inside me that this person doesn't know?

maybe it's appreciation, a worry, a hope, or something you've been reluctant to say.

then share it.

without being asked. without waiting for the perfect moment. without needing a particular response.

just offer a little more of yourself.

because connection isn't just about showing up for someone. it's also about letting them see who's showing up.

with courage,

donald