Us and Them

by Todd Adams

I will be leading a MenLiving Weekend Advance in September focused around the music of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. One song I’m really looking forward to discussing is “Us and Them” because it speaks to the divides we experience: rich vs. poor, white vs. people of color, and men vs. women. In my everyday life, I tend to focus on the man vs. woman dynamic because of my wife and three daughters. That’s where I feel like I have the most to share and the most to learn.

I’m doing my best to navigate these differences, starting by realizing that it’s never actually men versus women. We’re in this together. The goal is to better understand each other so we can all thrive.

Step one in understanding is empathy – being willing to listen first, to sit with what’s different, and to do my best to understand experiences outside my own. As a white, straight man, I’ve realized that society doesn’t often ask me to do this. Even though I live with four women I love, I still spend most of my time in a “man’s world” – my friends, coworkers, customers, and even most of the movies, TV shows, and podcasts I take in are male-dominated.

What I’ve come to see, through my own experiences and growing awareness, is that women are constantly being asked to adapt, adjust, and find their way in a world that wasn’t originally built with them in mind.

One of the beautiful things about MenLiving is the space we create together as men because it’s authentic, vulnerable, and it makes me feel more connected and alive. We aim to be mindful, curious, emotional, candid, and intentional in these spaces. And sometimes, it can feel like we are in an echo chamber. While we bring mindfulness and vulnerability to each other, the women in our lives are hoping we’ll bring that same energy and intention into our relationships with them.

I’m making a specific effort to better understand the female experience because it is different from mine. How do I know? I ask. My wife shares her experience with me, and I listen.

Most recently, at my wife’s request, I started learning about perimenopause. She shared a few podcasts with me, and I made a point to really listen. I even followed up with some questions. I learned that the stage she’s in right now can bring hot flashes, sleep problems, mood swings, changes in libido, and a lot more. I also learned that when her estrogen and progesterone levels drop quickly, so does her serotonin which is the chemical that helps regulate mood.

There are times when I can tell she’s angry or sad, and while it might seem like nothing has changed on the outside, a lot is happening in her body. I’m grateful that she takes the time to explain it to me, because my first instinct is to think it’s my fault or that I should fix it somehow.

But what she really needs is for me to understand that her hormones are shifting faster than they even did during puberty, and that the ups and downs can be as intense as pregnancy. Because I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, having this logical understanding helps me show up better. It equips me to meet her with more empathy and patience, instead of rushing to fix or explain it away.

These conversations have been so valuable that we decided to host an event this Thursday titled for both men and women titled:  Men, Marriage, and Menopause: Navigating the Change Together.  (I’d love to see you there 😊)

Here’s your litmus test to see if your experience is similar to mine- how many boxes can you check?

• The majority of my last 5 work meetings had more women than men
• The majority of my last 5 podcasts have more women hosts than men
• The majority of my last 5 books I read were written by women
• The majority of my last 5 shows I streamed passed the Bechdel test

Out of the four questions on this survey, I currently score a zero, but it’s getting better. Here are a few opportunities for you to better understand the female experience:

MenLiving Podcast- If You’ve Come this Far with Cathy Cassani Adams

Hacks on Max

Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger by Soraya Chemaly