As a parent of three kids in their late teens/early 20’s, I find myself trying to reinvent myself as a parent. I was VERY comfortable in my role as a parent of young kids and adolescents. But now, as strange as it may sound, I find myself at the precipice of now needing to make an adjustment to my parenting approach. My goal is to perfectly balance still being a positive, supportive, and guiding force while also allowing my young adult kids the space to grow, become the individuals they are striving to be, and to allow for them to make their mistakes.
It’s the age-old question I know parents are constantly asking themselves – how much do I protect and how much latitude do I give? It’s going to be an individual parent’s decision, and its one I find myself really thinking about lately. My gut instinct, probably from over 20 years of being a protector, is to protect. But sometimes protection is counterproductive. If I protect my 21-year old daughter with a financial situation by simply paying for the speeding ticket she received, am I helping her? Or am I sending the message that when she gets held accountable, Dad will be there to bail her out? But wait, she’s a struggling college student who is working hard at school and also has a job. So because I’m proud of those efforts, shouldn’t I just help her out? Then the guilt comes in. And now what seems to be a very straightforward decision has become another complicated parenting dilemma.
I find now that most of my actual parenting decisions are “strategic” and intellectual, versus how they used to be back in the old days where it was more instinctual – for example, it’s 9 pm, go to bed. Be back from your friend’s house by 5 pm. Get all your homework done. The black and white decisions accompanying the parenting of young kids was a process I was confident in. Yes, of course some decisions were fluid and required thought, but it was still fundamental. Now? For me, it definitely requires more deliberation. More strategy. More thought about the impact of my actions on these young adults as they begin to independently navigate their own lives more and more. Ultimately, when should I speak up, guide them, advise them, even push them, and when should I stand down and allow for them to make their own life choices?
So as the kids prepare for another school year, of which there aren’t that many left for them anymore, I find myself pensive on how I can better serve my kids as my role as their father evolves. They are less dependent on me, which is natural, but of course, how do I continue to prepare and support them for the adversity that undoubtedly awaits them? Not sure just yet. All I know is that I don’t want to be paying for speeding tickets for another 20 years, so hopefully I’ll figure this out!
