Are You Turning It Outward?

by Todd Adams

When MenLiving started in 2012, the vision was simple but powerful: to create deeper, more genuine connections among men. Fast forward to 2024, and I’m proud to say that vision has become a reality for so many who choose to step into our spaces. In these virtual and in-person gatherings, men can engage in meaningful discussions and practice the 5 MenLiving Suggestions: to live more consciously, curiously, emotionally, candidly, and intentionally.

There’s something deeply moving about seeing a man open up with vulnerability, approach conflict with awareness, or show genuine respect for someone else’s experience. These moments are impactful and affirming, but I’ve also noticed a challenge we tend to face: how do we bring the qualities we build in MenLiving spaces into the rest of our lives?

For me, this question hits home. I’ve found it easier to cry openly in a MenLiving meeting than with my wife. I listen attentively to other men in our spaces, but I sometimes find myself distracted when my daughters are sharing something important. Why is it that the conscious, connected version of me sometimes gets left behind after the meeting ends?

It reminds me of when I was attending church and people seemed accepting and kind inside the sanctuary but reverted to their “real selves” once they stepped outside. This is not about judging myself or others; it’s about awareness. The question I’ve been sitting with—and one I now invite you to ask yourself—is this: How are you turning it outward?

A Challenge to Reflect

The spaces we create at MenLiving are important, but their power grows when we take what we learn and apply it to all aspects of our lives.

Ask yourself:

• Am I being vulnerable in conversations with my coworkers, or am I keeping my guard up?
• Am I really present with my kids, or am I sneaking in one last email?
• Am I trying to understand my partner’s point of view, or am I too busy defending mine?

If your honest answer to these questions is “sometimes, but not enough,” you’re not alone. Growth is a lifelong process, and this work isn’t easy—but it’s worth it.

Seeking Honest Feedback

If you’re unsure how you’re showing up in your relationships, consider asking those closest to you. Invite your partner, children, or trusted friends to share their honest and candid experiences of you. But be prepared: This exercise calls for an open heart and a willingness to hear feedback without getting defensive. Here are a few questions to help guide the conversation:

1. Do you experience me as someone who embraces emotions—anger, fear, sadness, and joy—in a healthy way?

1. Do you feel I approach our relationship with curiosity and openness?
2. Am I present and mindful, or do I come across as distracted or disengaged?
3. Do you see me facing life’s challenges consciously, or do I tend to numb out with distractions like work, alcohol, or other escapes?

This process isn’t about perfection—it’s about self-awareness and growth. Guilt can be a catalyst for change, but shame will only hold you back.