The ways that word association and the assumptions that may follow interact with each other have always had cultural meaning behind it. When we hear words like “joy” and “sadness,” they usually bring clear understanding of what’s happening. Using the word “sensitive” as an adjective, however, has become less clear. A shift in how we hear the word “sensitive” when used to describe young boys and men is not only a positive thing, but it opens the door for conversations around the benefits of being sensitive, like being more in tune with other feelings and developing resilience and or the ability to be emotionally vulnerable.
MenLiving’s Patrick McKenna spoke about sensitivity, empathy and more with Elisse Gabriel, a writer, and editor who wrote a piece for The Tot about how sensitivity in boys can be a very positive attribute, both socially and emotionally. They discussed her article and much more below.
Patrick:
I’d love to learn a little bit about what led you to becoming a writer and that becoming your career path.
Elisse:
Well, I kind of fell into it. I had earned my master’s in counseling and school psychology from Tufts University. I returned to California from Massachusetts and ended up getting a job as the editor of a publication that was written and illustrated by kids. I also led a focus group with middle schoolers and realized that it achieved a different means to the same end, helping the kids build confidence, communication skills, and writing skills. In retrospect, I realized I’d contributed as a writer in pretty much every job that I’d had in the past, so this role was sort of a natural continuum. I’d worked in television, and ended up writing there, too. I worked at the California Academy of Sciences, and helped create ethnographic displays, wrote articles, and took photographs for their monthly newsletters. At first, I combined psychology or working with kids and writing, and then I transitioned to focusing on writing and editing in a range of fields. I’ve worked as a freelance writer and editor now for over 20 years.
Patrick:
What was the most important message that you wanted to convey when discussing sensitivity as a superpower in boys?
Elisse:
My sons possess social and emotional awareness and vocabulary, and that’s in part a tribute to the school that they attended, Prospect Sierra in East Bay. This school focuses not only on excelling academically, but also gaining life skills in social and emotional (SEL) learning.
The real inspiration arose after writing a middle grade book about the superpowers of sensitivity and empathy in boys. This piece is sort of a non-fictional version of the book that I wrote. I wanted to define what sensitivity and empathy really are for all genders and convey that being a sensitive boy doesn’t mean that you’re weak. In truth, sensitivity is about awareness, compassion, and caring. There are so many positive qualities about being empathic, and I truly believe that most boys, just as most girls, are by nature sensitive.
Patrick:
What was the biggest thing that you wanted to convey in the piece?
Elisse:
That sensitivity in boys is not a weakness, and it’s not what most people think it is. I wanted to convey what sensitivity actually means and redefine it to help alter the perception of this term. I think that there’s a stereotypical association of sensitivity with whiny, crying little boys, but it’s not that at all. There’s so much strength in being able to hold that vulnerability or to feel what another person is feeling. Possessing the ability to relate, to verbalize emotions and feelings and to recognize them takes great strength.
Patrick:
You also talk about the importance of boys getting social and emotional learning tools. What do you think the importance is of young boys developing those tools early on before adulthood?
Elisse:
I think when you have words and tools for back-and-forth communication, you can own your own emotions and also understand conflict resolution and understand how to express things like saying, “What you did made me feel sad,” instead of resorting to physical acts of frustration. I think SEL is about that awareness and also empathy in terms of understanding how one’s actions affect others. We’re all social creatures, so for little boys, they’re really important tools.
The other aspect is – I’ve read but don’t have the reference here – that by second grade, or it could be even first grade, boys are told not to cry. But crying can be frustration as well as sadness. It could be anger that they’re repressing. For boys, being given the freedom to first recognize what’s going on internally and then express their emotions is far healthier on a variety of levels. Social-emotional skills help build healthy behavior and a healthier cognition, which, in turn, help build healthy social relationships.
Patrick:
Our group talks a lot about vulnerability and the power it has with interacting more intentionally with people around you. I’m wondering how you think embracing vulnerability can make men more emotionally resilient.
Elisse:
One thing that I think about in my writing groups is that when someone is truly vulnerable, their experience resonates. I think about when a boy – especially one who has a good sense of himself – is confident, it allows himself to be vulnerable It’s a window, and it helps you relate to that person. Boys who are strong and brave enough to share their sensitivities gives other boys a green light to be real and vulnerable themselves. I think vulnerability is the ability to feel in a deep and sometimes scary way, but it also it’s a real opener for others to be authentic and human. To me, that takes a great deal of strength.
Patrick:
For you as a parent, are there specific ways that you have modeled vulnerability and sensitivity as positive attributes that you see in your children now?
Elisse:
Yes. Parents aren’t perfect, and we’re learning as we go. There have been times when I’ve either said or done something that wasn’t ideal, and sometimes I’d say, “Take two, let’s try this again. I shouldn’t have said that. Or “I was wrong, and I’m really sorry.” It’s okay to apologize to your kids sometimes.
It’s also important to establish that you are the parent. You’re not the friend, and you’re not a peer. You need to establish healthy boundaries. However, I do think being authentic and real about how something affects you is huge.
Even with raising kids, if my son said something and inadvertently hurt my feelings, I could let him know. The choice of words is important. I use feeling words and expressive words. The other thing is I’ve always talked to them as intelligent people and not just little kids. I’ve asked them how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. A lot of times for me, it’s really about how I want to know how they’re doing, not just what they’re doing.
Patrick:
Are there ways that you think parents can better support their sensitive sons?
Elisse:
I believe everyone –regardless of gender – is in some regard sensitive. However, we need to foster it and recognizing it, and be mindful about the ways in which we might inadvertently dismiss or unintentionally quash this quality in our sons.
