by Yitz Miller
That thing that “triggers us.” I bet you’ve got some. I know I do. Not putting my stuff back after borrowing it?…that’s a big one for me. Talk to me with a “you’re a dumbass” tone?…I can feel my skin crawling right now. Put my back up against the wall?…We’ll find out just how intimidating I can get. Interrupt me while I’m trying to concentrate?…Dang I have empathy for the number of times my kiddo had to deal with that one while I was in law school.
Whatever they are, these “triggers” share 2 things in common: (1) they were neurologically wired into our brain either before we were about 7 years old, or through a trauma (think PTSD); and (2) our reactions to them are WAY out of proportion to the stimulus. Why? Because they’re not conscious mind thoughts…they’re “limbic reactions.”
The limbic system is that “middle” part of our brain—more developed than the “lizard brain” that instinctually yanks our finger away from a hot burner instantaneously, but less developed than our conscious mind—which doesn’t actually finish neurologically wiring until our late 20s. The limbic brain works in a very predictable way: it receives a stimulus, categorizes it, and then reacts with whatever reaction served us in that “category” long ago. I like to use the analogy of that “shape sorter” toddler toy…you know the one that is a cube and has holes on the sides to stick a triangle, a square, etc? That’s how the limbic brain works: “I hate flying.” “That’s how my dad used to talk to me.” “I need a [insert pain-numbing habit here].” “That looks like a tiger.”
“That looks like a tiger.” THAT is what the limbic system was designed for. “Hmm…is that really a tiger? Maybe it’s a jaguar? I think it is a tiger, but is it Siberian or Bengal?” These are NOT effective approaches to something that looks very much like a tiger coming at you across the savannah. On the other hand, not everything is a tiger… Very few of the people who’ve interrupted me in my life were my mother with her anxiety flared up needing me to drop whatever I was doing immediately and help her. In fact, there’s only one person in that category. But my limbic system puts person after person in that category, and no matter how many times that “coping strategy” proves ineffective, my conscious mind is powerless to change it.
And THAT is why I became a limbic therapist…far far too many people I knew (myself included) coming out of basic talk therapy in the space of “ok, now I know why I’m F’d up, but I have no idea how to change it.”
We know our triggers. We want to hande them differently. Then we get triggered…and its like our brain shuts down. ACTUALLY…it DOES shut down…at least our conscious mind does…because our limbic system just kicked in.
I wasn’t being flippant when I said “my conscious mind is powerless to change it.” I was “getting neurological on y’all” 😉). One major thing the limbic system is designed to do is to shut down the conscious mind. And it works. For better, and for worse, it works—really really well…frustratingly well.
So……what do we DO about it?
- Breathe…
- Take a time out…
- Center ourselves…
These are all excellent damage control techniques. I recommend and attempt to exercise every one of them…regularly.
But how do we interrupt the stimulus-categorization-reaction cycle while were in it?
There’s one way I’ve found that works magnificently well…although I need a lot of practice.
3 words. 8 total letters.
Stimulus…Categorization…Here comes that familiar energy…”IS IT TRUE”?
Those 3 words are the one thing I’ve EVER found that can bring me back from that limbic state almost instantaneously.
Why? Because those 3 words do 2 things: (1) they directly confront the basis for the limbic reaction AFTER the categorization stage, but BEFORE the reaction stage, and (2) it’s a conscious-mind question.
Is it true that this is my mother?
Is it true that I’m a dumbass?
Byron Katie included this question as the first question in her self-inquiry process “The Work.” https://thework.com/2017/10/four-liberating-questions/ It’s a powerful question in that four-step conscious mind self reflection process.
But I find it’s more than that. I find that core basic curiosity question: “Is it true?” can stop my limbic system and reorient me to my conscious mind faster than I could even say the words out loud. The challenge, of course, is that there’s only a split-second to use it. But, every time I do is one less time I act from my reactive self, and one more time that I interact with those around me from my highest self. Is that true? I think it is. I’ll keep practicing.
With love, and the relentless quest to catalyze more of it,
-Yitz
