by Martin Mcleish
This is definitely not about getting validation, or being validated. Please understand that. Today I did something completely out of character for me. I pulled into the shopping centre and I saw this homeless woman sitting with her things in the parking lot. Immediately the prompt came into my mind. She could use a coffee. So I went and bought one.
I walked up to her and said, “Hello I had this idea that you needed a coffee, so here we are,” and I smiled, a genuine, warm, big smile. The look of surprise and gratitude on her face was more than any reward I might have been looking for. For a moment I thought there might be tears from her. Instead she shook my hand. What a nice firm grip she had. “I love your warm firm handshake,” I told her. “It tells me that you are a strong and genuine person!”
“Thank you so much for your kindness,” she said.
I could see the suffering etched into her face, but no self pity! Instead I saw a sense of dignity. I estimated her age about late thirties. We started talking. I asked her name. It was Zoë. I told her mine was Martin. She shook my hand again…. but it turned into a hug!
I need to explain some stuff here. I had not been in a one on one relationship or had any contact with a female since early sobriety. A very, very long time! It was very recently that I reflected on the fact that I had made some deep friendships with guys in MenLiving. This was easy and due to the fact I had done the work of learning to love and value myself. So, I asked myself, why does this not apply to the other half? Within twenty four hours, I had my answer.
The uncomfortable answer was that I expected to be rejected by women as unlovable. The origin of this expectation? Stuff from early childhood involving Mum was the answer. Somewhat annoyed I pondered the years of therapy I had undertaken. The reality of the situation though was I had not dealt with this area of childhood. Well not in depth. My bad.
I am seventy six now and the reality for me is do I now want to embark on doing the work? It seems a bit far down the line, and also I thought to myself, “I don’t want to start dating old age pensioners.” I had a good laugh! I let it all settle for a few days. I decided not to make any radical decisions to embark on more therapy or……. well whatever.
A day or two later, a new concept arose in my mind. Is there any real basis for my belief? The answer was…. NO. I decided to be open to the fact that I hold an erroneous belief and see what happened by holding this new idea. The next day my feelings changed to? Short answer is fucking amazing. They really solidified over the coming days.
If I am to name the feeling/s the best name I can come up with is, and yes I hesitate: bliss. The feelings involve a deep sense of intimacy with me, a deep sense of respect, love and connection with me and my environment. They can also bring up tears when I listen to music: or see people being kind to each other. Not tears I wish I did not have. I have worked really hard over decades to arrive here!
So Zoë is giving me a hug. WOW. I have this deep feeling of total connection with another human being. It feels like having warm honey poured over me. I wonder if she feels the same. I believe she might. The hug lasts a while. It is totally asexual. It involves a deep wish on my part that this human being’s suffering is eased: I am not looking for any sort of validation from Zoë. I am aware that healing at a deep level has taken place in me. Some sort of warm buzzing? Gratitude! I ask her how long she has been homeless.
“Two years,” she tells me, and I feel pain for her. I ask if she has put her name down for community housing. “Yes,” she says. “They tell me I have another two year wait.”
I immediately feel guilty. Less than a month ago I found myself days from being homeless. Community housing had also told me I had a two and a half year wait. Providence however pushed my name past the two and a half year wait and I was suddenly at the front of the queue. A miracle? Hell yes!
We talk some more and she tells me where she squats. After a while I ask her to never give up. She gives a winning smile and says, “Never.” I know she means it. As I float back to the shopping centre, I get the impression Zoë is shining! Pretty sure I am too.
For the last few days I have been listening to “Edge of the Ocean” by Stick Figure, a song from a group I have never heard before. It has got under my skin and touched me, deeply. I went down to the beach and listened some more. God bless Australia … and life. They have been so kind to me!
