by Mike Rosen
“Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.”
In one of the thousand ways I’m lucky, I get to teach 4th Grade in what I might describe as an ordinary, middle-class suburb of Chicago. Leafy grounds, red brick building, clean classrooms with an abundance of resources. 10 miles to the east in Chicago are neighborhoods and schools that couldn’t contrast my circumstances more. The proximity and juxtaposition of experiences isn’t lost on me.
My school is more progressive than overtly traditional i.e. ‘connection over content’ aren’t just words, but rather a guiding priority regularly emphasized by our School Board, the Superintendent, and administration. This fits my teaching style very well, a marked and acute contrast to the private school environment I was in prior. I’m grateful for all of it.
“Serving is different from helping. Helping is not a relationship between equals. A helper may see others as weaker than they are, needier than they are, and people often feel this inequality. The danger in helping is that we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity or even wholeness. “
This summer brought a new experience of teaching in a Special Education classroom. The assignment was a classroom that had 7 Kindergarten-1st Grade aged kids in it. All of them have autism, are non-verbal, and have a variety of other special needs and challenges. There were a total of 5 adults assigned to our room, including me. I was entirely out of my comfort zone. More on this to come too.
The last week of July I traveled with Kelly, Evan, Ella, and 96 other adults and teens on a weeklong service trip to Appalachia. We stayed in a shuttered elementary school outside Hazard, KY (yes, as in Dukes of..) and worked at 13 different home sites, all of which had multiple projects in varying states of completion. Our volunteer group was the last for the summer, we had to complete all the unfinished work that had begun 7 weeks prior. Though I had a general idea of what to expect– this was Evan’s 4th trip, Ella’s 3rd, and Kelly’s 2nd–nothing could quite prepare me for the depth and breadth of the poverty in the region,it was staggering.
“When we help, we become aware of our own strength. But when we serve, we don’t serve with our strength; we serve with ourselves, and we draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve; our wounds serve; even our darkness can serve. My pain is the source of my compassion; my woundedness is the key to my empathy.”
Prior to Appalachia I hadn’t made a distinction between ‘helping’ and serving’. I know well enough that the economic conditions in Appalachia have preceded me for decades and me and my work crew weren’t likely to move that needle much, if at all. We may havefixed a hole in the roof, and needed help to lift the bundle of shingles up the ladder, but most importantly, we served with gratitude and worked to make Miss Molinda’s home a bit warmer, safer, and dryer.
The quotes in this post are from a speech that had been given by Rachel Naomi Remmen, a doctor and bestselling author. The title of the speech is Helping, Fixing, or Serving? I invite you to read it in its entirety.
Reflecting upon it makes me curious how I show up as a teacher, a Dad, a partner, and a member of the MenLiving community. At MenLiving we make a concerted effort not to try to ‘fix’ each other. Am I approaching life from a position of power (“I will help you because I know more than you.”) or can I move my approach towards one of service? Is helping inherently heroing or can they be distinguished and differentiated by intention, words, and action? Was I helping the kids in the Special Ed classroom or was I serving them? Could it have been both? How can I serve those around me, including my students and my own children?
I’m curious what you think. Please leave your thoughts, comments, and questions below!
Meet Mike Rosen
Mike leads the weekly Separation/Divorce support calls. As a divorced father of 3, he understands the benefit and value in creating and sharing a space with other men who are experiencing the same thing. Although he has no formal training in social work or therapy or counseling, he aims to help men feel supported along the process, wherever they may be, due to whatever circumstances. Divorce and separation can be a lonely, painful, frustrating, sad, and isolating process, one that doesn’t need to be traversed alone.
Great article and great work you do Mike!
Great distinction between helping and serving. But ouch when I read how my limitations serve, my wounds serve and even my darkness can serve. In a world of living in the glorious light and society wanting sparks to fly out of my ass, that leaves me scared and vulnerable. Yet out of that vulnerability courage responds, and that’s about the only sure fire way I’m going to move the needle in any given place and time.
Very interesting post, Mike! As a new facilitator, I’m glad to hear these distinguishing definitions between helping and serving. I had been using the word Helping, but what I really want to be doing is serving. My service creates the space according to the facilitator guidelines. The men do the work of healing, connecting, and thriving.