By Donald Bilakowski
This week, let’s talk about your needs.
Why?
Because understanding and communicating your needs is essential for building healthy, connected relationships – something we are very interested in here at MenLiving.
But what don’t know what your needs are you ask?
That’s a great question – and a common one.
Many of us were raised to ignore or downplay our needs, which can lead to not recognizing or expressing them (often seen in people who tend to be overly accommodating like “nice guys“, chronically down, or codependent types).
Others, who were falsely empowered to focus on their own needs first and foremost, can end up putting their needs above others (common in people with angry, entitled, or narcissistic tendencies).
Both extremes can cause issues in relationships.
So, if understanding and expressing your needs is vital for connection, but you aren’t clear on what those needs are, it’s important to address this at the root.
Defining Your Needs
Identifying your needs is not always as straightforward as it sounds.
Here are three practical activities to help you tune into and identify your needs:
Daily Emotional Check-In
Your emotions are trailheads to your needs. At the end of each day, take a few moments to reflect on your emotions.
Ask yourself: what were the high points and low points of my day? What emotions came up, and when did they feel strongest?
By tracking these moments and emotions over a week or two, you’ll start to see patterns.
If, for example, you feel consistently frustrated after work, this might highlight a need for decompression time or support with work-related stress.
Needs Mapping
Write down specific situations or recurring moments in your life where you feel unfulfilled or reactive.
Then, beside each situation, note any unmet needs these moments might be tied to, like “feeling appreciated,” “having more downtime,” or “feeling emotionally supported.”
Needs Visualization
Visualize a moment when you feel truly content, balanced, or happy. What’s happening in that scene? who are you with? what are you doing (or not doing)?
This visualization can help reveal the conditions and qualities that support your well-being, hinting at needs for connection, calm, independence, or whatever brings you balance.
Final Thoughts
These activities practiced regularly, can deepen your self-awareness and make identifying your needs feel more natural.
Remember, defining your needs is a process, and sometimes it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away.
Instead, try to identify recurring patterns or moments when you feel frustrated, stressed, or dissatisfied. These are often signals pointing to unmet needs.
Wishing you clarity and connection,
Donald
Facilitator
Donald Bialkowski
I grew up in a blue-collar family marked by intergenerational depression and an often absent father. As a teenager, I turned to substances to cope, a path that dominated my life for many years. Despite these challenges, I earned a graduate degree in social work and gained experience in various mental health settings. It was during the pandemic, however, that I discovered my true calling.
