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by Todd Adams

I recently flew home from a trip to Oregon with my oldest daughter, Jacey. We sat down for a pre-flight breakfast when something at the next table caught my attention. A man, maybe a little older than me, dressed in what looked like a pilot’s uniform, was visibly upset. Though I couldn’t catch every detail, it was clear to everyone around that his frustration was directed at the waitress—a Latina woman. The issue? He told her that she should not have assumed that he wanted ice in his water and that she should have asked him first. He also was complaining about dairy in his breakfast burrito. Really?

Yet, he kept going on and on for a good four or five minutes, critiquing her service in a tone that, though controlled, still had a condescending vibe.

His words weren’t loud, but they were sharp. You don’t have to yell to be unkind.

The waitress kept her composure, apologized and comp’d his meal. As he left, I felt angry—angry at his entitlement and the lack of basic respect for another human being. My daughter, Jacey, was even more furious, seeing it as yet another instance of a privileged man talking down to someone he believed he had power over. I had a feeling she was right.

Part of me wanted to step in and say something, to redirect his judgment toward me instead of her. But I didn’t. I sat there, feeling frustrated with myself. When he finally left and the waitress came over to greet us, I apologized to the waitress that she had to deal with a guy like that. She smiled and said, “It happens all the time.”

Really? That hit me hard. No one deserves that kind of treatment, especially for something as trivial as a misunderstanding about food.

To be perfectly honest, our service by this waitress was less than stellar.  We waited far too long for our food, and when it finally arrived, we found out they only had enough ingredients for one breakfast burrito, even though we had ordered two. But instead of getting upset, I chose to smile and give her a good tip.

I tell this story not to pat myself on the back for being “the nice guy,” but to make a point: kindness matters, and what you put out there—whether negative or positive—affects more people than you may realize. Being kind is one of the simplest things we can offer each other.

Initially, I thought my story ended there, but after letting it sit for a day, I realized there was more to unpack. One of the core principles of MenLiving—is “living curiously.” In hindsight, I wasn’t very curious in this situation with airport man. I was judgmental.  It feels soooo good to judge others, doesn’t it?  Energy coursing through my body feeling righteous and “better than” the other.

Through the lens of curiosity, I now wonder:

  • Is it possible that this man was having an awful day and is usually kind and considerate?
  • Could it be that he struggles with loneliness, turning his internal sadness into external anger?
  • Did I miss part of the interaction where the waitress made a mistake, and he felt justified in his complaints?
  • Does the waitress even need to be “saved,” or am I falling into a “white male savior” complex, wanting to feel like the hero?
  • How often do I act like a jerk when I’m having a bad day?
  • How often do I judge my kids, my wife, my friends without truly asking them about their experience?
  • And lastly and most importantly, how friendly am I to myself when I screw something up?

This experience reminded me that judgment comes easily, but curiosity and empathy take effort. We can’t always know what someone else is going through, and we all have moments when we’re not at our best. Even after reflecting on this, I still find myself judging this man and remain fairly confident he was just being a jerk. At the very same time, I know that viewing people through the lens of curiosity reduces my frustration and reactivity, helping me stay open to learning—especially in moments when I feel triggered.

 

Executive Director • Board Member • Facilitator

Todd Adams

For 30 years, Todd has been a leader in the construction industry. He is also a certified life and leadership coach for men. Since 2010, he and his wife have cohosted Zen Parenting Radio, a top-ten kids and family podcast.

Biography

Todd is a certified coach through Conscious Leadership Group, Tony Robbins Core 100, and the HeartMath Institute. He is a member of the Mankind Project and a staff member for its New Warrior Training Adventure. He also blogs for the Good Men Project.

Realizing that his friendships with men were becoming more shallow, Todd took action. He cofounded the Tribe Men’s Group in 2012. His intention was to create a space that invited men to be vulnerable and authentic. In 2019, the Tribe rebranded as MenLiving, and Todd has served as its executive director since.

Todd is from Chicago and is a graduate of Drake University with a degree in finance and management. He is happily married to his best friend, Cathy. Together, they have three amazing daughters and a zen bunny named Smokey.

8 Comments

  • Steve says:

    I hear you Todd, lesson I learned from Ted Lasso but still hard to remember and implement.

    • Todd Adams says:

      thanks for reading my friend. hope we can connect soon. i still need to put the next ML construction meeting on the books and when i do- i’ll let you know. PS Love Ted Lasso

  • Brad says:

    Thanks for sharing this story, Todd. It is a great reminder to step back and try to lead with curiosity to combat initial judgments. And to remember that we’re all fighting the good fight and to try our best to lead with kindness. Just to open it up for discussion, do you think it would have been wise to give the waitress constructive feedback on her performance ? objectively without judgment so that she can learn and get better? There’s a feeling in my gut that tells me we’re doing her a disservice and others who do go above and beyond to do a stellar job a disservice if we don’t also lead with constructive honesty, even though it might hurt their feelings. I know a little off the premise of your article but an interesting philosophical question nonetheless maybe. Thanks for all you do Todd and all MenLiving does. 🙏👊

    • Todd Adams says:

      I hear you, and i figured the timing was not right to give her honest feedback. she was actually sweet and i think the problem was not her, but rather the kitchen. thanks for your comment amigo 🙂

  • Shayne Adams says:

    Witnessing stuff like that Is really hard for me to not intervene. And as a former server, I would find myself thinking “I’d rather wait on men than women. Men tip better and they’re lower maintenance. They don’t need everything on the side and custom made.” Obviously, this is all one big generalization based simply on my experiences. Even though it may have been my experience, I think when we’re quick to judge and generalize it separates us. And I heard you guys interview, Dr. John Duffy And I’ll never forget “When one gender wins, they both lose” and based on your witnessed experience , I stand corrected. There is no us versus them It’s just kindness over criticism. Even when we are having a crappy day We are always quick to judge and create a story of rigid thinking: who’s bad and who’s good and who’s right and who’s wrong,… And the more I learn about secure functioning, The goal would be more “we” and less “me” regardless of the gender. That’s my hot take on judgment, criticism, generalizations, and just simply being kind even when we are having a tough day. Compassion for everyone is goal and not always easy with these complex brains we have.

    • Todd Adams says:

      Thanks Shayney 🙂 love the part about kindness vs criticism. takes away the “sides” of our differences- man v woman, white v black, etc…. compassion for everyone (especially and including ourselves) 🙂

  • Mike Rosen says:

    Todd–thank you for this.

    Twice yesterday, once before I read your Post and once after, I found myself quickly and automatically judging someone for some perceived transgression or afront to my entirely misguided belief that people should behave like I think they should. In the first instance, on my ride to school, I pass over and across a Metra station, that’s Chicago’s commuter rail. A parking spot very near the platform had about ten orange traffic cones placed around its perimeter. I quickly made up a story about some privileged person demanding that spot, not wanting to be bothered by the hassle of having to park farther away and walk a bit more than they need to. Frustrated by the perceived arrogance I vowed to somehow exact a punishment or revenge. Maybe I’ll move the cones to the farthest spot away. Or maybe I’ll hide them. Not sure yet…

    Then I read your post.

    On the ride home I noticed that the parking spot, still coned off and empty, is right next to a designated handicapped spot. Hmm, maybe this person is also handicapped and by the time they’re trying to catch their train, the designated spot is already taken? Maybe they aren’t arrogant and they have a real time walking and are just trying to get through their day a bit easier than before. Might that be true Mike?

    Minutes later on that same ride home, I stopped at the grocery store. As I was getting back on my bike, I noticed a woman place her cart on the sidewalk, nowhere near any cart corrals. For the record, I’m bothered by lazy public behavior, particularly grocery cart laziness. I then noticed she was in a designated handicapped spot. “Oh! I guess that’s where THAT goes! Perfect!” I thought almost immediately.

    Whoa. Slow down Mike. Maybe it’s really really difficult or painful for her to walk. Maybe getting out to get groceries today was a huge task and a huge win for her. Maybe you don’t know everything Mike and can approach the world with a bit more curiosity and a whole lot less judgement and the self-inflicted duress that accompanies it.

    Thank you again Todd for sharing your journey from places of judgement to curiosity. I’m on that path and working to catch up 🙂

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