by Tony Schmidt
“Silence is a rare gift in our busy world.”
For more than 8 years, I have participated in a monthly men’s group meeting that takes place outside of our MenLiving offerings. Much like MenLiving meetings, we share authentically, listen, and support one another – however this unique group grew from our shared meditation community. All the men maintain a regular or semi-regular meditation practice … or at least believe meditation is a valuable exercise.
Before each meeting, our tradition is to meditate for 10 minutes and read nine mindful group discussion guidelines to frame our discussion. Guideline 7 – Respect Silence – always resonates with me.
“7. Respect Silence
Silence is a rare gift in our busy world. After you or someone else has spoken, take time to reflect, without immediately filling the space with words. Look inward and listen to yourself in the silence.”
“Presence is the most valuable gift we can give someone.” is a quote attributed to Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher, and peace activist. It’s a reminder of the importance of mindfulness and being fully present with others in each moment. It also reminds us of the immense value that listening well and sharing silence with others can provide. MenLiving promotes this focus on “really listening” in our spaces in order to help men connect more fully.
So, what’s the secret to the gift of silence? Unfortunately, it hasn’t been easy for me. The key is being intentional and practicing. When listening to someone, try to notice the urge to respond before they finish. Noticing and paying attention to others when they communicate takes focus and effort … and practice.
In my experience, practicing meditation is the best way to find and give the gift of silence to yourself and others – but those opportunities can be hard to come by in busy day to day life. MenLiving’s meditation retreat Dec. 6th-8th in WI will provide the ideal opportunity to practice. Meditation is simple but not easy. At the retreat, we will practice meditation together in a supportive environment – beginners and experienced practitioners are equally welcome.
My basic instruction for meditation is this: Take some time, even 5 minutes counts, and find a quiet place to sit comfortably without distractions. Begin by simply noticing the physical sensations of your breath. Undoubtedly, before long, you will become aware of thoughts that capture your attention – pulling you away from the breath. Often, these thoughts lead to additional thoughts, and before you know it, you’ve been carried into a “conversation” far from your original intention.
This conversation can be as compelling engaging with another person but happens inside your mind. In his book The Untethered Soul, Michael Singer refers to this incessant chatter in your head as your “inner roommate” and compares this roommate to the most troubled, annoying, and emotionally reactive person you’ve ever met. This roommate can pull you away from or distract you from almost anything you’re doing. The desire to engage and respond can be just as strong – maybe even stronger – as when you are arguing with someone. You can’t help but jump in and respond.
In meditation, when this happens, the goal is to simply pause. Perhaps say to yourself, “Thinking, thinking,” then gently redirect back to the feeling of the breath in the body. Note – this is NOT a failure of meditation; it is precisely what is supposed to happen: noticing when the attention has wandered from the breath and coming back to the breath repeatedly. The practice of meditation involves recognizing what is happening in this moment without self-judgement and returning to the present moment with the body and breath once again. This cycle is the practice we return to again and again.
As you relax, let go, and become more aware of the nature of thoughts, you’ll begin to find a more objective perspective. That big thing on your task list you’ve been worried about may come up again and again. Perhaps the thought is useful to you once or twice, so you don’t forget, but the tenth or twentieth time is redundant and provides very little value. Noticing patterns of thought like this can be instructive, and with practice, the process of letting go will become easier and allow you to release negative patterns.
In our December at our MenLiving meditation retreat, we will practice silent seated meditation, walking meditation, and movement practices like yoga and qigong – all while remaining largely silent throughout the weekend. There will be time for personal growth work and connecting with one another. Opportunities to talk with others will be available, many of us find it necessary, but silence will be a goal. Even during meals, we practice silence. Not talking during eating can be challenging at first, but being mindful and learning to slow down to experience and taste our food is just another a lesson we learn in silence.
Our retreat is a welcoming place for every level of practice. Even if you’ve never spent a day in silence, or consider meditation to be incredibly difficult – this is a safe and supportive place to find peace and practice. If you are curious to know more about the meditation retreat, I am happy to discuss the details with you and answer any questions you may have. Please reach out to tonys@menliving.org.
Enjoy the silence.
Meet Tony Schmidt
tonys@menliving.org
Tony is a curious, resourceful guy who lives a happy life. He loves to take things apart—including tech, toys, and life—and put them back together in new ways. Key to his health, happiness, and well-being is his meditation practice. He is passionate about meditation and qigong, and he loves to share those passions with others.
Biography
Tony is a MenLiving board member and serves as the organization’s Tech Lead. He is an active MenLiving facilitator, too. He leads meditation sessions, weekly meetings, and mindfulness retreats.
Tony began a daily meditation practice in 2016. His practice has helped keep him on a path of mindfulness and self-discovery. Tony is a co-leader of the North Shore Meditation Community meetup. He also co-founded “Peace of Mind,” a contemplative-practice enterprise resource group.
Tony is a Midwesterner who has lived in Chicagoland for 25-plus years. He holds a BS in philosophy and sociology from UW–Madison, but he pursued a career in technology. Tony lives in Wilmette with his wife and two sons, who are fast growing into young men.
