by Dan Gathof
You know what your problem is…I’m uncomfortable telling you
If an employee makes a joke that slightly edges on discrimination, do you say something? What if addressing the situation requires you to document it and involve HR? What if addressing it means documenting the incident, involving HR, and potentially jeopardizing the employee’s career?
What if a company shares feedback that a candidate isn’t skilled enough for their platform—and goes further, labeling their communication style as ‘too folksy’? Do you pass that along, knowing it may hurt the candidate’s feelings, or withhold it, knowing it won’t change the outcome?
A few years ago, I participated in a roundtable discussion with executive recruiters from several top search firms. During our conversation, I posed a straightforward question:
“Do you share direct, negative client feedback with candidates?”
The responses were telling. Three recruiters admitted they filter the information, softening or omitting the harsher truths. Only one recruiter said they deliver honest, unvarnished feedback.
When I pressed further, the dissenting voice—the one who prioritized honesty—offered a simple reason: “I want to help people.”
The others, however, gave a variety of reasons for withholding the truth, and their answers revealed the traps that surround providing candid feedback in today’s professional landscape:
- Legal Risk: Words like “fit” or “personality mismatch” are increasingly viewed as veiled forms of discrimination. One recruiter noted it’s simply not worth the risk of putting the firm in legal jeopardy.
- Being the ‘Bad Guy’: Sharing negative feedback often creates tension. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, especially when it risks damaging relationships or reputations.
- It’s Not My Job: One recruiter candidly stated that coaching candidates or passing along client criticism isn’t part of their role. “Clients pay the bills, not candidates,” he explained.
- Time Commitment: Providing meaningful, constructive feedback takes time. Worse yet, candidates often argue against it, prolonging the conversation and making it an exhausting use of already limited bandwidth.
This conversation left me reflecting on the larger feedback issue—not just in recruiting but across workplaces in general. Honest, meaningful feedback seems to be increasingly rare, and the reasons recruiters give echo challenges faced by corporations, managers, and leaders alike.
In workplaces, the traps of Being the Bad Guy and Time Commitment often prevent managers from giving honest feedback. Managers get worried about sharing developmental feedback as it may be taken the wrong way and prompt the employee to start actively looking for another job. And let’s be real—some leaders may even feel like employee feedback isn’t their job, especially when addressing performance issues that seem unsolvable or chronic.
And what about Performance Improvement Plans (PIPs)? Are they genuinely designed to help employees grow, or are they thinly veiled signals that it’s time to start job hunting? Some companies genuinely use PIPs to develop their people, but many treat them as a way to sidestep tough conversations while quietly preparing for an exit.
The more I thought about it, the clearer it became: we have a massive feedback issue. Whether in recruiting or in the workplace, the honest conversations that foster growth and improvement are being filtered, softened, or avoided altogether. And that avoidance comes at a cost—especially for those who care about improving themselves.
While it’s easy to blame external factors, the truth is that waiting for others to take responsibility for your growth is a losing game. If you want to get better, you have to take ownership of the feedback process yourself.
Understanding why recruiters or managers withhold feedback can help you make it easier to receive honest input. Here’s my advice:
- Ask Directly: Don’t wait for feedback to come to you. Seek it out from managers, peers, recruiters, and trusted mentors. Be specific in your requests (e.g., “How could I have improved my approach in X?”).
- Show Openness: Signal that you’re ready to hear tough truths. A simple phrase like, “I appreciate your honesty, even if it’s hard to hear,” can go a long way.
- Avoid Defensiveness: When receiving feedback, resist the urge to argue or explain yourself. Listen, reflect, and ask clarifying questions instead.
- Respect Their Time: Feedback takes effort. Be concise in your requests and avoid prolonging the conversation unnecessarily.
Bad managers exist. Many company cultures are toxic and flawed. But if you want to grow, you need to shift your mindset and figure out how to get what you need despite the various headwinds. In my view, that requires making it easy for people who have valuable insights to share them with you.
Hire Thought
Don’t settle for surface-level reassurances like “you’re doing great, just keep at it” or “the other candidate was just a slightly better fit.” While those phrases may carry some truth, they won’t help you grow. Instead, challenge yourself to create an environment where honest, constructive feedback thrives. By showing you value candor over comfort, you’ll uncover actionable insights while demonstrating the courage and resilience that drive true professional growth..
