Bad Habits

by Jason Samatas

Yesterday I had a conversation with my father. Over the course of my life, I’ve had a very challenging relationship with him, which was further complicated due to my working for his company for almost twenty years. At his core, he is a very good man with a good heart. Unfortunately, he surrounds his heart with an almost impenetrable wall. Too many times I’ve tried to scale that wall, only to fall and hurt myself. However, yesterday’s conversation went well, better than most, although I found myself feeling a tremendous amount of sadness post-call.

In men’s work, we talk a lot about victimhood. We use phrases like “above the line, below the line”, which helps us locate ourselves to determine if we’re in victim mode. If we’re below the line, we’re in victim mode and as our fearless Executive Director Todd Adams loves to say, is this happening “to me” (victim) or “for me” (opportunity for choice, growth, reflection, etc.)? In simple terms, it’s much healthier to be conscious of where you are in relation to the “line”, and to make a choice as to whether you want to be above the line or stay below it. It’s always a choice.

My father is someone who is perpetually living below the line. If you were to ask him, everything is happening TO him. He has no ability to reflect on events happening in his life, rarely takes accountability for said events, and can easily find a source or numerous sources of blame. As I have become more and more conscious of where I fall on the victimhood spectrum, it’s become increasingly aware to me just how much of a bad habit, albeit unconsciously, my father has fallen into with regards to victimhood. He already has bad habits; he doesn’t exercise, he’s addicted to tobacco via cigarettes, and he’s a perpetual victim. His victimhood has become a source of distance for us over the last few years.  As I’ve become more conscious of my victimhood tendencies, thus allowing me to attempt to stay out of victimhood more (not that I still don’t get there), I’ve become more judgmental of my father. Now, to be clear, I have tried over the years to talk to him about this. Not in the exact terms as I’ve stated above, but I have tried to get him to shift his perspective, where he can take control of his life instead of letting everything else and everyone else control it. As a so-called powerful man who built a great family, career, and business, he’s incredibly weak in the sense that he gives away his power at every opportunity in his victimhood. His happiness is 100% dependent on others.

So that’s why my conversation with him last night was saddening. He was in his usual victim mode and as usual, has no ability to see the opportunities right in front of him. He acknowledged his lack of exercise and his smoking of two packs of cigarettes a day, and justified both by expressing that no matter what he does, it won’t really matter. He’s 76, in bad health already, almost seemed to say that he was going to die soon, although not in those words. But that certainly was the spirit of his comments. He’s almost completely given up on life, yet his age and despite some health challenges, I’m guessing many 76-year olds would love to be in his position. Other than being in early stages of emphysema, he’s actually physically healthy. He travels to his second home in Phoenix for one to two weeks a month, and still participates in one of his favorites hobbies, gardening and landscaping in his desert oasis. He’s mostly living the life he wants to live, he’s on the precipice of full retirement after a successful run of 42 years running his business, he’s financially secure, and he has eight healthy and beautiful grandchildren living nearby. And yet, he is distant, downtrodden, and isolated. This is not news to me, but for some particular reason, it all hit me pretty hard last night.

Life can certainly be hard sometimes. I know there are many times where I want to shift into being the victim; it’s much easier to go there and live there. I also believe that being in victimhood can become habit, just like other habits that humans pick up during our lives. I’ve always been concerned about my father’s smoking, a horrible habit that has lasting and fatal consequences. Victimhood, in my humble opinion, can be just as addictive as nicotine. If you don’t believe me, have a conversation with my father.