Heat and Shadows

by Jim Herbert

With Labor Day comes the unofficial end of summer and beginning of fall. As the month of September transitions us in the northern hemisphere to longer nights and shorter days, there aretwo things you can count on. One, there will be at least one more stretch of 90 degree temperatures. And two, the late afternoon shadows will begin to become noticeably longer. Last week on my daughter Emma’s first day of 1st grade we had a sweltering 90 degree day.

When I picked Emma up from school, she was not at all deterred by the high temperatures and wanted to play in the park at the schoolyard that she had been missing all summer. All I wanted to do was find one of those long afternoon shadows to shield myself from the sun drenched heat.

Just a day before our sizzling visit to the school playground, I was in a conversation about shadows that had a distinctly different flavor. This time the conversation had nothing to do with summer heat or those long afternoon shadows, but instead it had to do with my life long quest to have a deeper understanding of self. Over the years I have increasingly come to realize that inorder to become the fullest expression of my true self, it is necessary for me to take a hard look at what lurks in the shadows of my psyche.

For those of you who are less familiar with the term shadow from a psychological standpoint, our shadow self consists of the parts of us that we would rather hide away from the rest of the world out of shame or fear of rejection. It is fairly common for people to see the parts of themself that they like the least as parts of Self that are flawed, dirty, unlovable or in some other way less than. Maybe as you are reading this you are even thinking about some of your own shadow parts?

My recent conversation about shadow work happened as I was practicing with one of my fellow classmates from a year long Process Oriented Facilitation Program I participated in last year about healing trauma, shame, addictions and other common challenges we all face as humans. In the 100+ hour course we learned how to use somatic healing practices, role playing and many other processes to move beyond lifelong trauma and the shame that often accompanies it.

During a practice session with my classmate last week, she was playing the role of facilitator and I was going through the facilitation process as the client. One of the things that came up for me as we were role playing a conflict situation was a version of Jim’s self that shuts down and emotionally withdraws during conflict. I have been conflict resistant for my entire life. In our practice session my classmate lovingly named that shadow part of me Mopey Jim.

 For a number of years I’ve been working on moving beyond self-pity as an automatic habitual collapse when I get down on myself. From the men’s community work that I have been doing inthe last few years, I have also put a great deal of effort in not withdrawing from conflict and shutting down emotionally. In fact I’ve put so much effort into NOT feeling sorry for myself and/or shutting down emotionally, that it has created a psychological tug of war between two distinctlydifferent parts of me that share a common goal; my self preservation. Even though both of these opposing parts of my psyche have good intentions, the net impact of their tug of war is that I have to deal with a great deal of shame and self-loathing. In other words, some of my parts are often living in the shadows.

During the work with my classmate, she invited me to go fully into my mopiness and let the Mopey Jim part of me get as big as it possibly could without hiding it or holding it in the shadows. In other words, I was invited to unashame Mopey Jim. Wouldn’t you know, that what came out of the work was a new appreciation for Mopey Jim. Being given permission to explore a part of myself as that I have otherwise been pathologizing, opened a door for me to not only accept Mopey Jim, but to actually embrace him as a protector and healer.

Finding a place that allows me to feel all the feelings I need to feel when saddened by somelevel of conflict can be a healthy place to explore, as long as it doesn’t lead me down a path to being paralyzed by shame and self-judgment. When I made space to temporarily explore why I had a need to withdraw, it became easier for me to process anger and frustration, thus preventing me from moving fully into resentment. I walked away from my practice session feeling like I had done six months of therapy in one day. The magic is in not suppressing the feelings that come up, but rather exploring them, accepting them and ultimately,even embracing them and receiving the wisdom those feelings have to share with you.

What are some of the parts of you that are looking to come out of the shadows in the hope of being understood, embraced and more fully healed? Exploring the ways that shame and trauma show up in the body and mind can be a powerful tool in processing those feelings which can lead to unbelievable healing. If you would like to learn more about Unshaming, reach out to me:I’m always happy to connect. You can also check out the work of my teacher David Bedrick and his groundbreaking book You Can’t Judge a Body by Its Cover.