By Donald Bialkowski
Ever found yourself in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met?
Of course you have, it’s part of being in relationships!
How you handle them is what makes all the difference.
I often say to my clients, (and remind myself!) the first step in creating or maintaining a healthy relationship starts with not making it worse.
In his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real elevates five losing strategies in relationships.
As you read each description, consider what strategy you use most often.
In no particular order:
NEED TO BE RIGHT
The more partner A tries to prove they are right, the more partner B pushes back insisting that they are correct.
This never works out because the answer to “who’s right and who’s wrong” in relationships is “who cares”.
The goal of relationships is to be happy and connected, and being right only leads to disconnection.
THE FIX
Shift your mindset.
Recognize that your partner’s perspective is just that — their perspective. It doesn’t have to align perfectly with yours.
Embrace the idea that differing realities can coexist without either being wrong.
Here’s the truth when it comes to being right in relationships: you can be right or you can be happy.
You’re choice.
CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER
Trying to control your partner’s actions or feelings is a surefire way to build resentment and distance.
Healthy relationships thrive on autonomy and mutual respect, not control.
“I could finally be happy if you’d….”
“What you really need to do is….”
Generally speaking, men tend to use a more direct approach when seeking to control, such as the use of anger and frustration.
Women often go for a more indirect approach that includes the use of manipulation.
Neither approach will work, and each will actually serve to get you less of what you really want.
THE FIX
Focus on fostering trust and open communication.
Instead of trying to control your partner, work on expressing your own needs and listening to theirs.
UNBRIDLED SELF-EXPRESSION
While it’s important to express yourself authentically, doing so without regard for your partner’s feelings can be damaging.
It’s a fine balance between honesty and tact.
THE FIX
Practice mindful communication. Before blurting out your thoughts and feelings, consider how they might impact your partner.
Approach discussions with empathy and sensitivity.
RETALIATION
“You can’t tell the truth, can you?” says partner A.
“Well you wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked you in the face, because you don’t believe anything i say!” says angry partner B.
That’s often how retaliation works: you make a complaint about me and I will offer another one up about you.
Feeling hurt or neglected often leads to the temptation to lash out or seek revenge. But retaliation only escalates conflict and undermines trust.
THE FIX
Break the cycle of retaliation by choosing compassion over retribution. Instead of seeking revenge, focus on addressing underlying issues constructively.
WITHDRAWAL
When the going gets tough, it’s tempting to retreat into yourself or disengage from the relationship altogether.
But withdrawing only perpetuates disconnection and prevents resolution.
THE FIX
Stay engaged.
Even when things feel difficult, make an effort to stay present and communicate openly with your partner. Building intimacy requires vulnerability and active participation.
ACTION ITEM:
Discover your go-to strategy(yes)?
Pay attention to conflict this week and see if you can identify your primary losing strategies.
If you already know your losing strategy, experiment by responding to conflict with “the fix”.
Remember, relationships are a journey of growth and learning.
Recognizing your losing strategies is a key step toward navigating conflict with greater resilience and strength, ultimately fostering more fulfilling connections.
Until next time,
Donald
More about Donald
Donald grew up in a blue-collar midwestern family, where he experienced intergenerational depression and had a father who was often absent. As a teenager, he turned to substances as a way to cope, a pattern that shaped many years of his life.
During the pandemic, Donald experienced a personal awakening. He realized that parts of his masculinity had been arrested early on, which led him to focus on healing himself and helping others on similar journeys.
Donald wears many hats: dad, husband, son, brother, uncle, friend, neighbor, therapist, coach, and a lifelong learner. His mission is to cultivate joy for himself and his higher power while guiding others to do the same.
He currently lives in Madison, Wisconsin with his wife, Kelli, their two children, and an overweight cat named Luna.
