by Dean Wixo
I’ve been wanting to get involved with Men Living for some time now and have been receiving the newsletters for a couple of years. While I haven’t necessarily earned the “stripes” to offer my thoughts or opinions to the group, this subject recently fell into my lap, so I felt compelled to share.
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to have a sleepover with one of my grandsons. It’s definitely near the top of my list of things I enjoy most, and it’s something he’s been asking to do for a while. For reference, I currently have three grandsons who live 90 miles away, and I’m fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with them. However, when they get to stay with Grandpa one-on-one, it’s a special treat for both of us. Their ages are 7, 4, and 2, and while the youngest hasn’t quite caught on to the “special treat” yet, I can already tell he’s starting to question what he’s being left out of. I’m sure that day will come soon.
One of the things that makes this one-on-one time so special is the flood of stories they share with me. They pretty much do all the talking, and I get to sit back and enjoy it. Unless they’re sleeping, the talking doesn’t take breaks. Heck, sometimes I wonder if sleep even stops them— it only seems to slow them down a little. This recent sleepover was with my 4-and-a-half-year-old grandson, who is probably the most loving little boy I’ve ever met. He doesn’t let an hour pass without saying, “Grandpa, I love you so much and I’ll never ever ever stop loving you!” He’s also one to speak his mind, which is a trait I hope he never loses. This, combined with his incredible observational skills, leads to some interesting questions and conversations. Some of his recent questions included, “Grandpa, why is your tummy so big? Are you pregnant too?” (His mom, my daughter, is currently expecting baby #4.) He also asked, “Grandpa, who are you going to marry?” (I’ve been single for as long as he’s known me.) When I replied that I didn’t think I’d be marrying anyone, he responded with, “Well, I’ll marry you, Grandpa!” It’s sweet, but I suspect he’ll take that offer back before too long.
While I could continue to share more about the joys of being a grandparent, that’s not the main reason for sharing this story. The point I want to make is about a question my grandson asked me regarding the necklace I always wear, which has the number 11 on it. The number itself isn’t the focus here, but his question about why I wear it—and his comment that he thought only girls wore necklaces—really got me thinking. This observation ties into something I’ve been writing about for a book I hope to release someday, focusing on parenthood and the parent-child relationship, particularly from a dad’s perspective.
A significant part of the book will address gender roles and how, as fathers, we can help neutralize the societal standards that try to define our roles based on gender. As I raised my four children (three daughters and one son), I often discussed with them my desire for them to be free from the constraints of gender stereotypes. I wanted them to feel open-minded and to form their own views, rather than adhering to societal expectations. As their father, I didn’t want my role to be defined by the fact that I was a “dad”—I wanted them to see me as a parent, involved in all aspects of their upbringing. I shared in all parenting duties, aside from nursing when they were infants. Much of my time as a parent was spent as a divorced/single dad, so I wanted my kids to come to me with any questions or concerns, without feeling that certain issues were “mom” or “dad” issues.
Raising three daughters may have made this more manageable, but I’ve noticed as my grandsons start to be influenced more by male role models and their peers—through sports, activities, and birthday parties—that their questions and comments are increasingly centered around gender. It’s much more noticeable in boys at a young age than it is with girls. For that reason, I believe it’s crucial to have conversations with them about this as early as possible. I certainly try to address it with my grandsons when the opportunity arises, and I see my daughter doing the same. I also coach baseball for ages 15–18, and I bring it up whenever I can. But from what I see regularly, I believe we can all do a better job of addressing these issues more frequently.
Growing up in the 1970s, I was heavily influenced by the stereotype of what it meant to be a man—taught not to show weakness, feelings, or vulnerability. In many ways, I’m not sure that much has changed since then in certain parts of society.
I felt compelled to touch on this topic, and I’m hopeful that it can spark greater awareness and discussion across society.
Sincerely,
Dean Wixo
Sleepover with Grandson
Me, Kids, Grandsons
About Dean Wixo
Dean Wixo is a Dad/Grandpa/Baseball Coach & Instructor for Kindred Legion Baseball Program. He’s also a new author of a book Outside The Box, due out soon, about turning challenges into opportunities. The books focuses on his struggle growing up with undiagnosed ADHD & dyslexia, and a birth defect.
