“Restoring Our Girls: How the Men in Their Lives Can Make a Difference”

By Cathy Adams

Hey dads, grandpas, uncles, brothers, and anyone with a young woman aged 12 to 25 in your life…

If that’s you, I’d like to offer a perspective on their experiences. Of course, young women are not a monolith, and there’s variation in their experiences and beliefs. But having worked with girls for nearly two decades—as a therapist, college professor, and mother of three daughters— I’ve noticed some key patterns and effective ways to connect with them.

The key is to engage in genuine, meaningful conversations and stay curious about her experiences in the world. Clearly, her experiences will differ from yours, and that’s where the real work begins—shifting your perspective to see through her eyes, not as you would navigate the world as a man, but how a young girl is learning to navigate as she matures. While she needs plenty of support and wisdom from people like you, she also needs to experience life, both the good and the bad, to become who she’s meant to be. Young women don’t need solutions or definitive answers; they need men they can trust, who will listen, acknowledge, and remain curious about what they are being told.

My book, Restoring Our Girls, compiles insights from young women—their common concerns, hopes, and dreams. It reveals what they wish their parents knew, how they wish they could communicate, and what they hope for in life. The book also explores why they often feel depressed, inadequate, and anxious. Their needs are not always gender-specific—they, like everyone else, just want to feel understood and valued, to know that they are seen and loved. Whether you’re a parent or not, there’s much to learn here about how to better communicate and connect deeply with the people we care about.

While girls’ fundamental human needs are indeed universal, their cultural experiences differ significantly from those of boys. Girls and women navigate a world shaped by male perspectives—from the history taught in schools to the cultural heroes celebrated. Even as we strive for equality, every step forward—like the #MeToo movement—seems to be met with a step back, like the overturning of Roe v. Wade, making any sense of balance feel out of reach.

It can be incredibly challenging for young women to digest daily news that seems to perpetuate their silence, smallness, and insignificance, especially when a small group of powerful men make decisions about their health and well-being. The stark contrast between stories of progress, freedom, and safety for women and the realities they face creates a profound sense of cognitive dissonance.

Data does show that girls currently outperform boys in school across grades, standardized tests, and college enrollment – and while these are positive strides, this success does not translate into the workplace. Women still face significant challenges in their careers, including wage gaps, underrepresentation in leadership roles, and barriers in male-dominated fields like STEM and upper management.

Societal expectations and gender biases, especially around kids and family, make it even harder for them to advance in their careers. This means that, despite their strong educational performance, it doesn’t typically lead to meaningful career growth. Girls are still expected to do and be more, to never fail, and to always appear capable and competent. They face intense pressure to excel in every part of their lives, often carrying the weight of perfection in a way that’s both exhausting and unsustainable.

Despite this challenging environment, girls demonstrate a remarkable capacity to adapt. They have strong role models in countless women who have learned to survive and thrive. Many young women work hard to advance women’s rights while also considering not just their own needs and perspectives, but those of others, including men.

In a culture shaped by male influence, feminism—which is rooted in equality and justice for all genders—is essential. Supporting women’s rights doesn’t detract from men’s opportunities; it presents a chance for a more balanced and inclusive societal and cultural experience. Gender equality isn’t just fair—it strengthens economies, as research shows that closing the gender gap enhances economic conditions. It’s not about opposing men or assigning blame; it’s about recognizing an educational opportunity to unite and appreciate the strengths of a society that values both masculine and feminine contributions.

When discussing patriarchy—a system predominantly led and created by men—we don’t need to vilify masculinity or ignore its range and complexity. Individual men should not feel blamed or offended. It’s about recognizing that our world and experiences are predominantly shaped by male perspectives, and that significant meaning comes from the creations and stories crafted by men.

For example, the film industry divides movies into “serious” cinema and “chick flicks,” with the latter—often centered on romance—targeted specifically at women and deemed less significant. Similarly, bookstores categorize literature into “general interest” and “women’s fiction,” implying that male narratives are universal, while female narratives are niche. This division demonstrates a broader societal bias that treats the male experience as the standard.

In sports, bias persists with women’s sports receiving less attention and funding than men’s. This disparity affects media coverage and sponsorship, further marginalizing female athletes and limiting their professional opportunities. Most concerning, most of medical research has historically focused on men, leading to healthcare that often overlooks women’s specific needs. This gap has serious consequences, including less effective treatments for women and limited awareness of health issues that primarily affect them.

When discussing feminism or patriarchy with groups, the reactions often reveal how these terms have been negatively framed by some parts of society. Resistance to these words might indicate discomfort with the idea of equality or, more commonly, a misunderstanding of what these terms really mean and imply. I can often sense a shift in the room, a discomfort or quietness, when I bring up feminism or discuss the challenges of living in a patriarchy, which inevitably affects all genders.

Our reluctance to address gender disparities highlights the discomfort within our societal norms. Girls often find themselves walking a tightrope—they are rewarded for conforming to societal expectations, yet they are supposed to challenge these norms and are criticized if they step out of line. It’s a delicate balance—one that leaves them uncertain about their place or how much freedom they really have to be themselves.

If you are an important man in a young girl’s life, she isn’t looking for apologies or overcompensation. She needs someone to champion her and acknowledge her day-to-day experiences, even if they differ from yours or her solutions are based on her unique ways of navigating culture.

Remind her that, although the playing field isn’t level, she has everything she needs to lead, speak out, and become whatever she chooses. While female role models are important, she also needs male advocates—people who affirm her significance and can envision her potential future, without overlooking the daily challenges she faces—challenges that are often unfair and part of growing up in a society that is still evolving.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to talking about these issues and understanding what girls need most. In my book, I also share how to have more meaningful conversations, what can cause disconnection, and what she wishes you understood her. You wouldn’t believe how much addressing even one of these issues can make a difference, and just how important you are to her. She looks up to you more than you know and values your opinion. I hear it from the girls I work with every day. Thank you for being there for her, she needs you.

p.s. Zen Parenting is hosting their FINAL conference on Jan 24 & 25, and I’ll be talking about Restoring Our Girlsalongside Dr. John Duffy, who will be discussing Rescuing Our Sons. There’s also a pre-conference workshop for men on healthy masculinity, and on Saturday afternoon, a panel focused on vulnerability, masculinity, and being a great dad. Click here to join us and learn more!

About Cathy

Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, co-hosts the long-running Zen Parenting Radio podcast and founded the Zen Parenting Conference in Chicago. She is the author of Zen Parenting and Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn (both Nautilus Award and International Book Award winners) and her upcoming 2025 release, Restoring Our Girls. Cathy is a clinical social worker, certified parent coach, former elementary school educator, and yoga teacher. She previously worked as a Child and Family Therapist and Clinical Educator at Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago and now teaches in the Sociology and Criminology Department at Dominican University. She lives outside Chicago with her husband, Todd, and their three daughters.