by Shana James

Menopause is a profound transformation in a woman’s life, affecting not only her body, but her emotions, energy, and entire sense of self. I know this affects you too. For men in long-term relationships, it’s undoubtedly hard, and you can feel a lot of rejection. Connection and intimacy can feel strained and stilted. It can challenge your pride, when you no longer know what will make your partner feel turned on, let alone want to be near you. If your partner is more irritable, distant, or suspicious, or her desire for sex or connection wanes, you may have no idea what to do, or how to feel good in your relationship again.

Understanding what she’s going through, and having compassion for it, is essential for maintaining, or recovering, your love and sex life. I know you may feel irritated that you have to go through this. But complaining or ignoring it won’t get you what you want. Instead you can empower yourself, and your relationship, so you have more of the love and connection you want now, and for the rest of your life.

The term menopause is used to describe the time when a woman’s monthly cycle is complete. What most of us never learned is that perimenopause, the time leading up to this completion, can last for up to 10 years! For women who go through the worst of it, (myself included), this means enduring physical and emotional pain. Some of us get more anxious. Some feel more depressed. Some women gain weight and struggle with self-image. Some have an inner critic on steroids. Some women experience all of these.

Many women mourn who we once were, and how much easier things seemed. We long for the vitality we used to feel. We struggle with the loss of pleasure in what used to bring us joy. Our bodies, hearts, and even souls, seem to rearrange themselves in a way we feel powerless to stop. Going through this with an unsupportive partner feels like hell, to both of you. When you support your partner, she’ll be able to be close to you, and to ride the waves of this challenge together.

Menopause can honestly be a gift

When you see menopause as a loss, or an irritation, it becomes one. That view creates a downward spiral of disappointment and disconnection. Instead, consider it a chance to deepen your relationship — to help you both feel closer, and more supported and loved, than ever. When you approach this phase with patience, curiosity, and love, you’ll create more meaningful and exciting intimacy. You’ll create a love life that not only survives menopause, but flourishes because of it. These five keys will give you the foundation to keep your love and sex life alive for the rest of your life.

1. Slow Down and Find Out What Feels Good Now 

What feels good now is not what felt good before. This is guidance I give to all clients, not only those going through menopause. Women’s likes and dislikes for connection and intimacy change based on their cycles, moods, and even the weather! You can use this to your advantage by realizing that success in intimacy isn’t having the right words or touch, it’s about being connected and exploring the current moment — the here and now — together.

Many women feel rushed in sex, even before menopause. While men are often ready to have sex in a few minutes, it can take a woman 10, 15, or even 40 minutes to feel aroused and ready. As women’s bodies change, slowing down and patience become more essential. What once felt amazing to your partner may now feel uncomfortable, or even painful. One woman even told me she was sure her clitoris had moved! I have experienced this too. Certain types of touch and sexual positions that were once pleasurable suddenly became painful.

Change doesn’t have to be a problem when you take your time to explore and discover what feels good now. So, slow down and recognize that pressure—whether overt or subtle—can make her withdraw. Create an atmosphere where she feels relaxed, safe, and genuinely desired. You have a chance to get to know each other’s hearts and bodies now. They’re not the same as they once were. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this with your partner, you can get a free copy of my book Honest Sex here.

2. Get Curious and Compassionate  

If you don’t have compassion for your partner’s struggles, your communication will tend to be bitter or resentful. She’ll then need to defend herself, or fight off your negativity, and will feel less drawn to be close to you. Pay attention to your tone of voice, body language, and the way you phrase your questions. Invite honest conversations with compassion, instead of pressure. When you do this, you can find new ways to connect and collaborate that can be even more intimate and pleasurable than before.

Curious, loving questions such as, “What would make you feel good right now?” or “Can you help me understand more about how you’re feeling?” or “How could I be on your team during this time?” will help her feel like you’re in it together. Listen to her without inserting your agenda, until you feel like you really understand her. The degree to which you listen without judgment or frustration, is the degree to which she will feel safe to open up to you. This naturally leads to deeper closeness—both emotionally and physically.

It’s common to have resentments or frustrations, and you may need some help clearing them. It can be hard to feel compassion before we vent, and feel heard. But your partner may not be the one to do this with. I’ve helped many men express their upsets, with compassion for their situations. After I hear the frustrations and guide them to put their attention back on their partner, I often see their hearts well up with compassion. Book a time to chat if you need help with this.

3. Expand Your Definition of Sex

Many people equate sex with intercourse. But true intimacy goes far beyond physical or genital penetration. Emotional, energetic, and spiritual connection can be just as fulfilling, especially as we get older and you learn how to connect in deeper ways. In my book Honest Sex, I wrote about sex as multi-dimensional. People who aren’t aware of this have one dimensional sex, which focuses on physical connection. Some people have two dimensional sex, including the emotions. You can actually have four dimensional sex, which includes:

• Physical: Touching body to body
• Emotional: Vulnerability, feeling truly seen, loved and understood
• Energetic: The flow of energy and desire between partners who are present with each other and the moment
• Spiritual: The transcendent, soulful aspect of connection, that can feel sacred and indescribable

This amplifies even more as you learn to feel your partner’s sensations and feelings, and they yours!

As you expand your definition of sex and shift from a goal orientation to a pleasure orientation, the barriers to connecting fall away and you’ll be able to create deeper and more fulfilling connection. Menopause is an invitation to get multidimensional, which many couples tell me is more satisfying than ever.

4. Turn Complaints into Desires

One of the most damaging things you (or your partner) can do is complain. People who feel criticized or inadequate, will feel shame and embarrassment. Their emotional state and pleasure receptors shut down, as does desire. There’s a simple tool you can use to turn your complaints into desires.

Instead of speaking about the complaint, find the desire behind the complaint. There can be many desires, and they’re often more vulnerable to share than the complaint. But vulnerability is a pathway to intimacy.

So, for example, instead of saying, “We never have sex anymore,” try saying, “I love feeling close to you, and I’d love to explore ways we can connect that feel good for both of us.” 

Instead of the downward spiral of blame, and feeling wrong, you’ll enter into an upward spiral of teamwork and collaboration. Desires are exciting and energizing. Sharing them gets you closer to the love and sex you want.

5. Learn Together

Menopause is not just her journey—it’s yours together. Read books, listen to podcasts on intimacy in midlife, or attend workshops, and talk to each other. Showing that you care enough to learn sends a powerful message that she and your relationship are worth your time and energy. This often translates into feelings of being loved and supported.

It’s ok to be real and vulnerable, and to share about your challenges. When you do so, be a leader. Rather than blaming her for your frustrations, take responsibility for your struggles. Bring questions and topics to explore that bring you closer and illuminate what success looks like. Create shared goals, like appreciating each other daily, or asking how you can love each other better.  See each other at your best, and call each other into it, rather than cutting each other down. Every day brings something new, and many things to be grateful for. The more you do this together, the less you grow apart.

You’ve got this! 

Menopause is a portal into the kind of love, connection and sex many people crave but never find. Whether it’s been rough and you need to revitalize your connection, or you’re seeing the first signs of emotional and physical changes, make it a priority to stay connected and talk about your love and sex life, rather than ignore it. You deserve a caring and supportive relationship, and so does your partner. Keeping love alive is like tending to a garden. Use this time of life to figure out what your relationship needs to feel good for both of you. If you’re overwhelmed or need help, book a time to chat with me here.

 

About Shana