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by Mike Rosen

This past week I was lucky enough to attend the Zen Parenting Conference in suburban Chicago. For those not familiar, one of the co-founders of MenLiving, Todd Adams, and his wife Cathy host a podcast called Zen Parenting Radio. An extension of the podcast was a regular,  well-attended, mostly annual, gathering of people with guest speakers, break-out sessions, music, and connection.

Part of this year’s programming was a panel sharing all about MenLiving. Todd, Shaun Emerson, and Tony Molina shared and discussed as Cathy Adams moderated. During the audience Q & A, someone asked something along the lines of what the panel thought the biggest hurdle is/was in getting men to explore MenLiving. The word “fear” immediately popped in my head. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the uncertain. Fear to acknowledge one’s own fallibility. Fear of lowering a mask. The list is long.

This experience made me curious about how fear is woven into my own life, consciously and unconsciously.

Neil Steinberg is a Chicago-based author and columnist, he writes a blog (fair warning, the name of his blog is ‘Every g*ddamn Day’. He wrote a piece about those offended by the name of his blog. It’s here. Even if you’re not offended by the title, I invite you to read it, I judge it to be funny, wry, and intelligent) He also writes for one of the two daily newspapers in Chicago, the Sun-Times. Yes, there are two daily, printed newspapers here. I thoroughly enjoy his writing style. Funny, sharp, a bit irreverent.  In 2014 he wrote a column about guns and gun control, it’s here. I mention him and his gun control column as an example of how he feels fear manifests itself in so many ways. He (in my judgement) eloquently asks why some gun owners are so afraid?

This isn’t a blog post about gun control though, it’s about fear. How does fear show up in your life? How does it impact your perception, interactions, and relationships? Do you have blind spots around fear? (I know, I know. We can’t see our blind spots. You can keep checking though!) Is fear informing more of your decisions and choices than you think?

Please don’t mistake, fear isn’t inherently bad, like many tools, it can be very constructive. Had my caveman and cavewoman relatives not recognized and acted on the fear of the saber tooth tiger, we wouldn’t be here. Fear protects us and keeps us alive, it can motivate us, it can help us connect around a common cause, and it can spark creativity, imagination, and inspiration.

I have four siblings and my Dad is inching closer and closer to death. He was born with only one kidney and the one he has is quickly failing, overtaxed for too many years, he’s 82. This past weekend his doctors laid it out in as clear and compassionate a way as I can imagine–begin dialysis, there’s nothing we can do beyond that. He’s declined dialysis treatment and it feels like a significant turning point in his slow crawl towards the end. I mention my siblings as it’s becoming clearer each day our differences around the fear of death. For the first time I can remember, I saw fear in my Dad’s own eyes, a rare acknowledgment of his mortality and the reality he’s facing. Certainly a broad departure from the confident, strong, and larger-than-life sales guy role he played for most of his life. The contrast is stark and alarming.

“Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight, helping us to discover what matters most.”

FRANK OSTASESKI

Death seems to be a very  uncomfortable, fearful topic for many. Why is that exactly? It all ends the same, right?  Here are five possible reasons:

  • Fear of the unknown. Simply not knowing what’s on the other side elicits fear in many.
  • Fear of mortality. Acknowledging that there will be an end can be difficult and elicit fear and/or anxiety. See above.
  • Cultural emphasis on youth and avoidance of aging. In the US alone, we spend nearly the same amount on anti-aging efforts as we do on death itself ($19.2 Billion in 2023)
  • Medicalization of death. Death is often viewed as a medical failure as opposed to the certain and natural part of life that it is. Cue the fear and anxiety again.
  • Less exposure. With longer life spans and death at hospitals or care facilities, people are exposed to death less often than they used to be. This unfamiliarity can make it difficult to discuss and process.

I’ve referenced Frank Ostaseski before, he is the author of a book called ‘The Five Invitations-Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully” The quote above is his. I keep my own copy of this book on my nightstand. An excerpt is here. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read it, it’s dog-eared and marked up with underlined passages and notes in the margins.

This book has had a profound impact on me. It’s helped to inform a reduced stigma and fear around death. It’s helped me understand the distinction between health span and life span. Most importantly, I judge, it’s helped me move towards what I would call a ‘fuller’ life. For me that looks like more spontaneity, more silliness, more risk-taking, and closer, more intimate relationships with the people I love. I invite you to read it, I’m confident you’ll extract something constructive from it.

With that, how does fear play a role in your life? Would you judge it as a healthy part of your day-in and day-out? How do you manage and respond to it? I’m also very curious about what has been the biggest impact and informed your relationship with death and dying most? Are you afraid? Please share below!

 

Meet Mike Rosen

Facilitator

Mike previously worked in a variety of roles in finance, business development, and project management. Unhappy, he changed careers and became a teacher in 2012.

Biography

Today, Mike works as an elementary school teacher. He tries to instill and cultivate curiosity, kindness, self-awareness, and joy into the lives of little kids.

In 2012, Todd Adams, a neighbor and acquaintance, invited him to join a new men’s group, what would later be called MenLiving. At first he thought “I don’t need this, I have life pretty much nailed down.” Luckily, a wiser mind prevailed, and he’s been part of the organization since Day 1.

Mike grew up in Lombard, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago, but he calls LaGrange, also a suburb, his home. He graduated from Loras College and earned his Master’s from National-Louis University. He’s lucky enough to be Dad to three young men and to share a blended family with Kelly, who has two kids of her own. He enjoys running, riding his bike anywhere, yoga, concerts, and reading.

2 Comments

  • Todd Adams says:

    Great blog Mike! I love Frank and the 5 Invitations. I don’t fear death too much because I feel I’m still so far away from it (blessed health thru my 52 years). I used to have an irrational fear of being poor even though objectively that will most likely not happen (I have always loved to save money as opposed to spending it)
    my fear is typically about disappointing some one I love, or disappointing I know, or disappointing a stranger. I’m a work in progress, but your blog made me think. I appreciate your perspective and your writing. Xoxo

  • John Sierros says:

    Mike, Thanks for your post, guy. Fear. Some of my fears: fear of the uncertainties of the future w/respect to health, fear of failing to adequately parent three kids from another state, fear of staring poverty in the face, fear seeing the drive to find purpose in life sucked right out of my spirit by long unaddressed mental/emotional health issues, fear of anger being triggered in me at the sight of my own mother aging and failing body and mind — too close a vision for what might lie in store for me. Man, I will say, people, particularly family-of-origin I am finding in my own experience, do not like talking about fear. Worse, actually, is we’re not practiced at speaking about it. Except of conscious efforts of groups and spaces like this, perhaps also some therapeutic or spiritual venues, there aren’t a lot of regular folk willing to give time towards a discussion of fear and finding healthier ways of navigating it.

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