by Todd Adams
I have three daughters – 21, 20, and 17. I have been speaking to groups of parents since we began our podcast 15 years ago. Along the way, I have come to certain realizations that have helped me become a better dad. Here are a few of my favorites, listed in order of priority:
Realization #1- 60/30/10- Parenting is 60% role modeling, 30% energy of how you communicate, 10% the words you use. Most of us have this upside down.
60% Role Modeling: For the last 15 years on our Zen Parenting Podcast- I open with this quote, “The best prediction of a child’s well-being is a parent’s self-understanding”. Do you want your kid to not fly off the handle? Model how to regulate your nervous system by breathing, meditate regularly, move your body to express your emotions- (emotion = energy in motion). Do you want your kid to find a partner that treats them well and loved them? Treat your partner well and love them. Do you want a kid that loves to read? Let them watch you read.
30% Energy and how you communicate: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Parents often ask, “What do I say when my kid…” Words are not nearly as important as our egos wants them to be. Instead, I focus on the tone and energy of what I’m saying. Non-verbal cues are critical. Communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and only 7% actual words.
10% the words you use.
Realization #2- Know the answer to this question – What do you want for your kids?
Most people answer, “I just want my kid to be happy.” I do not subscribe to this. I want my kids to be whole – specifically in terms of emotional bandwidth. We have conditioned our kids to think they are only loveable when they are happy. I want my kids to know that they are just as worthy and as loveable when they are sad or mad or scared. At MenLiving we do our best to create spaces not just for the “comfortable” emotions (joy/happiness), we hold space for the uncomfortable ones as well (anger/fear sadness). This is what being a human is all about.
** Note- I did not use “positive” or “negative” to describe emotions as I don’t think any of them are positive or negative. Only comfortable and uncomfortable.
Realization #3- IQ < EQ & BQ
We all are part of a system that prioritized academic intelligence. My wife and I have been intentional about emotional intelligence (identify how we feel) and body intelligence (ability to express those emotions through our body). We tell our daughters that school is a game that you must play, but it has nothing to do with their inherent worth and is less important than how they treat themselves and others. Sure I helped them with their homework when they asked, but I paid no attention to Power School or ask them about their grades. Instead I support them with the process vs the outcome – academics is their job, not mine.
** Note- And I know there will be robots/AI that will also be learning how to help us with EQ and BQ, but I believe these spaces are and will be reserved for human-to-human connection. I believe a high EQ will put my three daughters on a trajectory for a wonderful life.
Realization #4- Cultivate self-acceptance and self-compassion
I am my own worst critic. If you screw something up, no problem, if I do, it’s a major problem. It is disingenuous to teach/preach this to our kids and not be able to do it ourselves. Our kids are smart, and they can sniff out insincerity from a mile away. We cannot shift our patterns/behaviors/beliefs without first accepting ourselves. This is a lifelong journey for me, but I’m working on it.
Realization #5- Quit teaching so much – keep ‘em safe and get out of their way!
For goodness’ sake, stop teaching so much and accept that your kids are on their own journey. It’s not always a reflection of your parenting – they are learning how to be themselves. Let them fall and love them as they get up. The world is tough, and the lessons will arrive for them. My goal is that when they come up bruised and battered from the world that they feel safe enough to return home and not feel judged or criticized and instead accepted and loved.
Conclusion
I don’t know your child—only you do. Your role is to figure out how to raise them in a way that works for your family. What works for me and my child might not work for you and yours. Just be mindful not to pass down your own unprocessed fears, traumas, or sadness (what I like to call baggage) onto your child. Life is already challenging enough, and your kids will collect their own baggage along the way—they don’t need to carry yours too.
So, trust yourself. Be okay with making mistakes. Focus on building connection over chasing outcomes. Pay attention to what your child needs in each moment, and you’ll find your way.
Todd
PS I’d love for you to join us @ our final Zen Parenting Conference (ZenCon25) on January 24th and 25th in Oak Brook Hills, IL!
Meet Todd Adams
Executive Director • Board Member • Facilitator\
For 30 years, Todd has been a leader in the construction industry. He is also a certified life and leadership coach for men. Since 2010, he and his wife have cohosted Zen Parenting Radio, a top-ten kids and family podcast.
Biography
Todd is a certified coach through Conscious Leadership Group, Tony Robbins Core 100, and the HeartMath Institute. He is a member of the Mankind Project and a staff member for its New Warrior Training Adventure. He also blogs for the Good Men Project.
Realizing that his friendships with men were becoming more shallow, Todd took action. He cofounded the Tribe Men’s Group in 2012. His intention was to create a space that invited men to be vulnerable and authentic. In 2019, the Tribe rebranded as MenLiving, and Todd has served as its executive director since.
Good tips. Thank you
Todd,
I truly enjoyed reading your post and appreciated hearing your perspective on parenting. Like you, I have a diverse family—three daughters (ages 40, 33, and 30 in just a few days) and a son who is 25. As a divorced father for the past 18 years, I’ve had a unique journey with my kids. There are a few insights from my experience that I’d love to share.
It’s easy to lose connection with your children, especially as they become more independent during their teenage years. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. I made it a priority to stay connected with each of my kids every step of their journey. By actively engaging with them, I was able to build and nurture a strong relationship through every phase of their lives. As they grew older, they often told me how much they appreciated my guidance, support, and influence as they navigated their paths. They even considered me their best friend throughout high school and college, and that closeness has only deepened over time.
Regarding your realization #2, when asking what you would want for your kids, I wholeheartedly agree that it is their responsibility to discover their own happiness. They are fortunate to have all the opportunities needed to make that happen. My role, I believe, was to equip them with the skills and habits necessary to thrive in life—especially emotional intelligence to help them navigate adversity. I focused on teaching them the importance of strong core values and daily habits.
At 63, I’m proud to say my commitment to growth hasn’t stopped. Just recently, my youngest daughter shared how much she admires my ongoing search for self-improvement. In fact, I just completed writing a book on personal growth and turning adversity into opportunity—a project that initially seemed daunting, especially since I had no prior writing experience. One of the main inspirations behind this book was to send my kids the message that anything is possible.
Lastly, I’d like to share a recent experience that perfectly illustrates your realization #1 about role-modeling. My 7-year-old grandson had his first hockey tryouts, where he was placed on a lower-level team than expected. However, he was given the chance to play in a scrimmage with the team he was hoping to join for further evaluation. After the game, while the other kids went into the locker room, he stayed behind to speak with the coach and ask how he did. This was completely unprompted and entirely his decision. When he asked the coach for feedback, the coach first asked him how he thought he performed. My grandson said that he tried his hardest and gave it his best. The coach agreed, told him he was correct, and offered him a spot on the team.
While my grandson was changing, my daughter, his mother, became very emotional. She shared this moment with me, and I told her how proud I was of him. He had clearly been paying attention to the way she handles challenges—something she’s done throughout her life. I also reminded her that I knew exactly how she felt, having gone through something similar when she was in high school. In her freshman year, she was cut from the volleyball team, which devastated her at the time. But instead of giving up, she asked the coach for feedback, worked hard to improve, and tried out again the following year—making the team. This, I told her, was her legacy of resilience and role-modeling passed down to her son.
I know this response is a bit lengthy, but I thought it was important to share these experiences, as they align with many of the points you discussed.
Thank you for your insightful reflections. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
Love this Todd, and agree wholeheartedly. One thing you mention about not teaching so much really hit hard. As a father that wants the best for my boys, and one that knows best, it is hard sometimes not to put my teacher hat on. It’s a good reminder. I would always rather be a healthy role model than a teacher. They will figure it out, I relax in this thought.