by Brad Golphenee
When a whale breaches the ocean’s surface and takes a big breath, it feeds its body with a life-giving precious resource. This resource allows the whale to live in harmony with their natural habitat. For at least the last 500 years humanity has been holding its breath, denying the body of a life-giving precious resource required to live in harmony, oxygen to the heart. When the mind takes over and it dominates the heart, humans fall out of balance with the natural rhythms of life and themselves.
The pairing of the words, Emotional and Intelligence, has been in my life for the last 20 years. I have always been extremely sensitive and subject to strong emotional turbulence, but the idea that I could increase the intelligence of my emotional state was new to me two decades ago. The concept of Emotional Intelligence has taken me on a ride that I could never have predicted. There was a strong magnetic pull to explore this topic so I kept digging in at my Men’s Group, I read book after book on psychology, hypnotherapy, shamanism, and eventually stumbled on somatic work. Now, 20 years later, I am certified in Somatic Experiencing, involved in Shamanic studies, I have been a lead trainer & facilitator for EVRYMAN, the director of training and education for EVRYMAN, a Somatic Coach offering one on one sessions and group workshops, have been interviewed on dozens of podcasts, and have had life changing experiences at every bend in this journey. And these experiences have all led me to today, curious and open. Part of this process also included confronting myself at a core level and, as a result, sold our old business and chose to commit to this work full time. This decision was drastic and simple. I now choose things that feed my soul and avoid the activities that suck life energy from it. This was an intelligent decision, not an easy one.
The term, “Emotional Intelligence”, has been made popular by therapists, coaches, and those that feel we are living fragmented lives because we lack a distinct relationship with our emotional selves. I also believe this to be true. However, the phrase emotional intelligence also refers to the mind and a knowing of such things. Though it may begin with conscious awareness, this path continues on the journey toward true embodiment. Knowing brings a conceptual reality which offers more compassion, empathy, and awareness. Embodiment is the felt sense practice of a focused activity. Embodiment is an art form. I still remember the aha moment of learning that I can better manage and control my emotional states in the early stages of my journey. This insight was helpful, like a small creek that is about to flow unsuspectingly into a raging river. I had no idea what was to come. Creating a mental construct of a new idea is the first step, but it is not enough. Unfortunately, this is where many stop their journey.
Beginning a path that has an unknown destination is crazy scary. The body wants some level of certainty and predictability. Following this path into uncharted and unknown spaces can activate a primal fear that trigger our survival instinct. When this happens, every impulse wants to run and hide as a distant voice continues to scream warnings. Ironically, if the voice of fear is followed then we will only re-create what we already know from our past. In order to grow and thrive, unknown territory must be explored.
Many tales speak of the dark forest where danger and dark forces live. The exploration of our emotional bodies includes adventuring into the dark forest within. Natural laws apply to everything on our planet, including the human body where light and dark forces exist under one skin. A deep dive into our inner self is what is required to further this journey. In the silent, dark, liminal space of growth a cave exists for each and every one of us. This cave waits patiently to be discovered. It contains those missing pieces of ourselves lost or given away long ago. When anger became too overwhelming to confront, it was put in this cave. When a deep loss created sadness and grief beyond capacity, it went in here. When fears turned into terror and immobilized our being, it had a safe place to live. And when the shame of our actions, individual or collective, created a disharmony that prevented a normal functioning life, it found shelter in this darkness. There is great intelligence alive within this cave. Our natural survival systems created this cave and it represents a largely intelligent force that resides within all of us. It is confirmed by the hand carved sign that hangs at the very back that says, “Welcome Home”.
Embodied emotional awareness is a lived experience of confronting our own dormancy. Confronting our disconnected parts is a true act of courage and creates an opportunity for greater inner alignment. This confrontation gives rise to a flood of emotion never expressed and the emergence of new realities. With the expansion of a new reality, new relationships can be formed. Personally, this stage of development was expected to take months, and I made huge progress in just a few months. Then it expanded into years of additional work, again with more progress. For me, there was an unconscious belief that there was a moment of arrival, a time of personal completion. This misconception has informed me in profound ways. The western mind thinks of work as having a beginning and end. With inner work there is only further development. It is never complete. This realization can be both exhausting and exhilarating. “I have to do my own inner work” can feel exhausting at times, a chore. “I get to do my inner work” fuels my energy and ignites something deep inside. Emotional Intelligence is a lifetime focus and it is not anything to rush through. Focused developmental work is an artistic creation where artist and art become one. The steady hand of intent works with the colors of imagination to create outstanding beauty.
The artist must use all internal resources to create a masterpiece. Whatever blocks surface that constrict free flowing energies must be faced. This self-confrontation can be done with compassion, gratitude, heart, and consciousness. In this process, the embodied intelligence of our emotional field becomes accessible. In this process, our capacity for emotional intelligence expands
There is a difference …
Between Knowledge and Wisdom
Between Solving and Holding
Between Mind and Heart
Between Body and Spirit
Between Masculine and Feminine
Between Individual and Collective
When needle meets thread then these polarized energies can create a beautiful tapestry. When we collectively thread this needle, there will be peace.
One foundational cornerstone that supports emotional intelligence is safety. Our autonomic nervous system is highly complex and always strives for safety. In my client work, whether with a single client or in a group setting, I will often ask the question, “Do you feel safe right now?” Most of the time I we get the answer, “Yes”. Then I will ask, “How do you know?” This question will force a curiosity. One that leads to a search for internal sensations and further validations of safety. I also get many answers of what people are not feeling, “I don’t feel pain” or “I’m not sad right now”. The question is a big question, what does safety feel like in the sensory body? Is it hot or cold, expansive or constricting, hard or soft, peaceful or turbulent, blue or red? Most people have a visceral feeling of what it is to be unsafe, but not the other way around. Overall, acknowledging the sensations of safety is key factor in Emotional Intelligence.
The definition of safety is being in an environment, or with a person, that is predictable, known, and coherent. The opposite is also true, something that is unpredictable, unknown, and incoherent will create the tension of being unsafe. Having a felt sense of safety can be very helpful. Our emotional body will respond to our sense of safety with more even and manageable emotions rather than chaotic and wild swinging emotions. Granted, if we are truly unsafe, then wild swinging emotions may be a result. It is important to remember that in today’s world, there is no tiger waiting in the bushes ready to pounce. There is, however, a mortgage to pay and house to repair and kids to feed and a job to do and all of this while there is war in the Middle East and political divides and hotter weather and artificial intelligence. In a way, we have made the world unsafe and are paying the price for it now. Acknowledging what is reliable, stable, and predictable is acknowledging safety. Stepping into the unknown of true transformation is how we grow from a soul level. These polarities may feel like they conflict, like two sides of a magnet that repel each other. Learning to dance with this polarization will help expand how we perceive the world and increases our emotional intelligence. Acknowledging safety within the body brings us to into our body and the present moment. Striving for newness drives us to walk on unchartered pathways and grow.
Emotional Intelligence includes both mental knowing and embodied wisdom. In a society that vastly undervalues the embodied wisdom of emotions, it can feel odd to spend time forming relationships with this part of ourselves. Yet, when we work on forming a new relationship with anger, we honor the protective energy that lies in anger and work to form expressions that do not have damaging impacts on others. When we form a healthy relationship with fear we learn to lean into fear as a teacher and push through with valuable lessons of our limited belief structures. When we form an open relationship with shame, we can feel the benefit of shining a light on those parts of us we bury and hide, even from ourselves. When we rise up to allow beauty and joy to color our internal systems, we experience the wonder of life.
Learning to form healthy relationships with emotions includes the deeper work of being with the full spectrum, and polarized energies, of our own emotions. There is dark damaging hateful anger and protective calm firm anger, they are part of a larger spectrum that must be felt and confronted in order to develop the right relationship. Being in right relationship with the emotional body is a fluid task, because emotions by nature are fluid.
The ability to have, and express, our emotional selves in the moment is a part of emotional intelligence. Having an embodied awareness of emotional states and allowing emotional expression to flow through the body is good self-care and a healthy act. There are no positive or negative emotions. They are all hardwired into our nervous system with a distinct purpose. To avoid our emotions, or bury them, or neglect them is to inflict self-harm. Unprocessed energy in the body leads to trauma and can eventually lead to further health issues. Owning your emotional body is an act of self-integrity. Expressing emotions with openness and care is an act of love. It is time to uncage our hearts and to allow our wild nature free.
With heart,
Brad Golphenee
Somatic Coach & Group Facilitator
Common Thread Creations, LLC
Imprint Adventures, LLC
