by Mike Rosen
Reinhold Niehbur.
Does that name ring a bell or mean anything to you? Reinhold is widely credited as the author of the Serenity Prayer. He graduated from Elmhurst University (then Elmhurst College) in 1910. Like MenLiving, great things spring forth from Elmhurst!
I’ve learned there’s a short version and a long version of his prayer.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
And then the long version:
“God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.”
Recently I became aware of an analogy which I offer is a modern interpretation of that prayer. It’s titled ‘Hat, Haircut, or Leaky Roof’. I feel it’s a great mental model for emotional regulation and determining how much “stress equity” to invest in a situation. It goes like this:
1. The Bad Hat
This is a problem that is entirely external and easily removed.
- The Feeling: you’re annoyed, but you can literally just “take off the hat.”
- The Wisdom: If someone is being rude to you in traffic or a store, that’s a “bad hat.” It doesn’t belong to you; you can choose to take it off and leave it behind. It has no lasting impact on your identity or your day unless you choose to keep wearing it.
2. The Bad Haircut
This is a problem that is temporary but unavoidable.
- The Feeling: You can’t “take off” a bad haircut. You have to live with it, and people might notice it. It’s frustrating and affects your daily life for a while.
- The Wisdom: You just have to wait for it to grow out. It’s a test of patience. You acknowledge it’s there, you accept that time is the only cure, and you stop checking the mirror every five minutes to see if it’s fixed yet.
3. The Leaky Roof
This is a structural problem that requires actual labor and attention.
- The Feeling: It won’t go away on its own (like a haircut) and you can’t walk away from it (like a hat). If you ignore it, the damage gets worse.
- The Wisdom: This is where you actually spend your energy. These are the “real” problems—health issues, core relationship repairs, or career shifts.
The wisdom of the analogy is to prevent “Category Errors.” I often treat “Bad Hats”, like a rude comment from a stranger, like “Leaky Roofs”, letting it ruin the moment and internal peace. By pausing to ask, “Is this a hat, a haircut, or a leak?” I can decide whether to just take it off, wait it out, or call in the repair crew.
I’m curious if you’ve had recent examples of hats, bad haircuts, or leaky roofs in your life? What can I change, what can I accept, and what can I ignore? Please share below!
